


Off-Limits

by stonelions



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Belly Kink, Crush at First Sight, Fluff, Frottage, Illustrated, M/M, Masturbation, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 13:51:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1019391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stonelions/pseuds/stonelions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan is a chubby food writer and hobby cook, Shepard is a head over heels security guard. They’re both students and they have all the right things in common, but everybody knows—roommates are off-limits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. first impressions

**Author's Note:**

> Additional warning for potential eating disorder triggers... I've tried to be body positive without being an objectifying jerk but I might've slipped. Apologies also for James not being the most stand-up fella in this one. Ya'll know I love him. Besides, he'll grow out of it. Thanks for reading. ♥♥♥

“You’ll like him, Shepard.” Ashley clapped Shepard hard on the back, hard enough that if he’d been choking the impact would’ve cleared his airways right out. “Besides, you could use someone to hang around with that isn’t Vakarian. Don’t get me wrong, Garrus is a badass, but when he’s around he totally makes you weird.”

They were standing outside the door of Ash’s old apartment, which Shepard was slated to take over the following Saturday if—and only if—he passed muster with the roommate. Ash had decided that staying on campus after she was done taking classes made no sense, and since Shepard was starting his mandatory year of post-secondary education in September, he might as well have the place. The roommate, though... Apparently the guy had standards, and Shepard had to impress him if he wanted the go ahead to move in.

Shepard coughed once into a balled fist. A nervous reflex. Or the tail end of a lingering cold he’d been trying to shake since late June. “I’m more worried about him not liking me,” he said. “And Garrus isn’t _that_ weird.”

Ashley rolled her eyes. She knocked on the door before she turned her key in the lock, then pushed it open a couple inches. “K? You home? I brought you something.”

“Come in,” a raspy voice called out.

She let the door almost click shut and faced Shepard. “You’re wound up tighter than a snared rabbit. Just be yourself, he doesn’t bite.” She knuckled him in the shoulder.

He had a constant bruise there from patrolling with her. The flimsy cotton-poly blend of his security uniform did nothing to dull her fist.

The door flung wide and she walked in, bold stride like always. “Hey Kaidan,” she said.

A young guy stood up from behind a laptop screen and a stack of textbooks. He pushed a pair of thick-framed glasses back up the bridge of his nose and smiled.

“Hey Ash, how’s it going?”

“Good,” she said. “Good, I’m all moved in over on Main.” She grabbed Shepard by the shoulders and thrust him forward, like she was handing off a pizza delivery. “This is Shepard.”

Kaidan held out his hand, and Shepard took it.

Kaidan smiled. “Hey,” he said.

He was beautiful. Knock out beautiful. Like nobody Shepard had ever seen in real life, with eyes the colour of homemade brownies and lush, crooked lips. There was a shadow of blue stubble on his soft cheeks; a match for the thick mess of black curls on his head.

It took Shepard a whole two seconds too long to remember he was supposed to say hi and let go of the guy’s hand.

“Uh, hey,” Shepard said. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, as if that would somehow make up for the awkward handshake.

“So you’re starting classes in the fall?”

“Yep, he is,” Ashley answered. “Gonna take pretty much the same things I did, right Shep? That’s why I left those textbooks,” she gestured to a stack over by a bookshelf stuffed full of novels and comics. “Anyway, I’ve got that errand to run over at Brock Hall, so I better go.”

Shepard’s eyes widened. That hadn’t been part of the plan. She was supposed to stay and buffer the meeting, provide a few words now and then when Shepard’s failed him. And they would fail him.

“Oh,” Kaidan said. There was a flush creeping across his cheeks, under his glasses. “Uhh, okay, sure.”

“Shepard likes coffee,” Ash said. “So you should make some and the two of you can get to know one another.” She checked her phone, then smiled at both of them. “See you at work tomorrow, Shep. Kaidan, movie next Wednesday?”

“Uh, yeah, the usual,” he said. “I’ll meet you.”

“Great. Bye guys.” She disappeared out the door, her footsteps muffled by the carpet in the hallway.

Shepard and Kaidan stared at one another.

“She’s, um. She’s really something, eh?” Kaidan said.

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed. His throat had gone sticky. He could feel his ears turning pink, an answer to Kaidan’s rosy cheeks.

“So, can I make you a cup of coffee?”

“Oh. I don’t want you to go to any trouble...”

Kaidan shrugged, laughed this little laugh that caught Shepard in the gut. “It’s no trouble. I was about to brew a fresh pot anyway. I um, I drink too much coffee.”

“If you’re sure,” Shepard said.

Kaidan walked into the kitchen and pulled a french press out of a cupboard, then a grinder and a bag of coffee beans. They looked expensive, like they might be from one of those cool gastown cafes Shepard avoided because he knew he wasn’t the right clientele. Kaidan looked like the right clientele.

“Trust me, I’m sure.” Kaidan took two mugs out of the dishwasher, one red and one blue. “Need my three o’clock caffeine hit. Make yourself at home, this’ll, ah... It’ll take a few minutes.”

Shepard leaned his elbows on the bar. The countertop was granite, clean aside from a few crumbs and a recently used jar of organic peanut butter. The whole apartment was clean and neat, save for the clutter of someone who read a lot of books and took a lot of notes. And ate a lot of toast and peanut butter, if the crumbs and Kaidan’s round tummy were any indication. He was thick all over, stocky and broad with strong looking arms, but the belly was more than just body type. It kinda looked like Kaidan had taken the freshman fifteen and just let it ride for an extra ten pounds—and it worked for him.

Like, it really worked for him.

Shepard swallowed. Kaidan was hot. He was perfect; the most perfect thing Shepard had ever seen. Ash had mentioned a few times that Kaidan was a good cook, but she’d never brought up that he was a total babe. Probably because it hadn’t occurred to her that Shepard would care, since he’d never given her any reason to think he would.

“So...you want to be a cop too?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard cleared his throat. _You got this Shepard. Don’t stare, just be cool._ “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, ever since I was a kid.”

“You and Ash both, huh? Pretty neat that you guys ended up working together.” Kaidan topped off a stainless steel kettle and switched it on.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Yeah, she’s a good... A good patrol buddy.” Ash was probably the closest thing Shepard had to a best friend, with Garrus out of town. They’d known one another since first grade, and the two of them spent a lot of time goofing off watching youtube videos and practicing flashlight morse code during their shifts at the various lots their company sent them out to. Not because they were bad at their jobs, but because there was never a whole hell of a lot going on. They’d never even had to stop a break-in. Ashley had found a couple of homeless kids asleep in an underground parking lot once, and Shepard had expected her to oust them with the usual zero tolerance attitude she was constantly giving him. Instead, she’d sent Shepard to buy them sandwiches from the twenty-four hour coffee place nearby before she turned them back out into the world.

“She’s told me a little about you,” Kaidan said. He spooned some fragrant coffee beans into the grinder, then pulsed it a few times. “Not much though. In my head you’re like this...mysterious figure. The mysterious Shepard.” Kaidan chuckled and rubbed his forehead. “That probably sounds _really_ stupid, huh?”

Mysterious and Shepard went together about as well as oil and water, so Shepard laughed. “Yeah, it’s...” _Shit._ “Wait, not yeah that sounds stupid, I just... I mean I’m not...really. Mysterious. Really not.”

Kaidan licked his lips, and the corners pinched upward like he was using them to pin back a laugh. “Uh huh,” he said.

Shepard could feel his ears burning hotter by the second. He sighed. “I am nailing this first impression, aren’t I,” he said, scratching the corner of his jaw. At least he’d shaved that morning.

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” Kaidan said. He tapped the coffee into the french press and poured the boiled water. “This needs a few minutes to brew. You want to check out the room?”

“Sure.” Anything to keep him from opening his mouth again, because whenever he did he wound up shoving his foot in it.

“Right through here, and you’re on the left,” Kaidan said. He led Shepard down a short hallway and into an empty, medium sized room. It was almost bigger than Shepard’s entire current apartment, if you counted the closet space, and it was going to save him about three hundred dollars in rent every month.

“Wow, yeah,” Shepard said. “This is nice.”

Kaidan crossed his arms over his belly and leaned against the wall. “You get the bigger bathroom,” he said. “So hopefully that makes up for being stuck in the little bedroom.”

“Hey, to me this is...” Shepard looked at the window, the electric heater, the big closet with bright white doors. “This is like an acreage compared to what I’m used to.”

“And you’re alright with the rent?”

“Yeah. Oh yeah,” Shepard said.

“Cool.” Kaidan smiled. “Let’s drink that coffee and talk about when we can get you moved in.”

Shepard rubbed the back of his head, still shorn to almost a buzz from earlier in the month. The dopey grin he was always trying to chew out of his lips before it could show managed to get away on him. “Sounds good,” he said.


	2. moving

On moving day, Ash borrowed her dad’s truck so they could load Shepard’s few belongings into the back. The only big things he had were his mattress and the cheapo IKEA bedframe Anderson had helped him put together the day he’d moved away from home. It’d been a warm afternoon in July, the two of them kneeling on the pitted hardwood of Shepard’s crummy third floor walk up and assembling planks for the one piece of furniture that would fit in the place. Back then, Shepard was only recently eighteen, freshly graduated and newly hired. Ready to take on adulthood, whatever that meant.

He’d learned fast that it meant still not knowing what the fuck you were doing, but having to pay bills and do your own grocery shopping and laundry on top of it.

Today, it was him and Ash and Kaidan, the three of them emptying his old place of its contents in less than two hours. They were all strong, even if Kaidan was winded after the last couple trips up the stairs. To his credit, they’d made a lot of trips up and down those stairs and he didn’t complain. He could also heft more at a time than either Shepard or Ash, much to Ash’s dismay.

It was easier going at Kaidan’s building—now Shepard’s building, too—where the elevators were big and fast. No endless marching in the stairwell with armloads of boxes.

All told, it only took them until early afternoon.

“Well Shep, your minimalist lifestyle pays off when you need to move, I’ll give you that,” Ash said. “Still, I can’t believe you only had two boxes of clothes. Even for a dude, that’s crazy.”

They were sitting on the apartment balcony, everybody with a plateful of grilled cheese sandwiches in their laps and beers in their hands. Kaidan had done the sandwiches. He had a fancy way: just add bacon and avocado and three types of cheese, and voila. The guy’s belly was starting to make sense.

It was one of those long gray summer days that finally burned into blue sky and heat, but not until after the worst of the afternoon rays were done shining. It was hot, but not sitting still and sweating hot.

“I’m gonna miss this most, I think,” Ash said, looking out over the inlet.

“My company?” Kaidan said. There was a little twist in the corner of his mouth.

Ash snorted. “Fine, sure. But you know what I meant.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan sipped his beer. The water was full of ships, all shapes and sizes, light scattering on the surface like mosaic glass. “Beautiful view.”

After Ashley left—and Shepard stayed, because he lived here now—Kaidan settled back in behind his laptop with another beer. “Sorry Shepard.” His eyebrows did the most amazing thing on his forehead: they wrinkled up in the middle like he was a scolded puppy. “I’ve got a deadline tomorrow at noon so I need to finish this article, but later tonight we can hang out a little maybe? Do some...roommate bonding stuff?” Kaidan rubbed at his temple. “I uh, probably shouldn’t call it that, huh. Sounds kinda dorky.”

Shepard laughed. When Kaidan said things he thought were dorky, his cheeks got this nice pink glow, and Shepard wished he could keep that with him somehow, as more than just a memory. As something he could carry around tucked in a pocket. “Nah, it’s alright. I’m gonna go unpack.”

There was more than enough room in the closet for Shepard’s two boxes of clothing: three pairs of jeans, seven t-shirts, three long-sleeved shirts, two sweaters, a hoodie and two jackets. Plus the underwear and socks, one extra pair of sneakers and his work stuff. He’d left behind a few more formal things in his old closet back at Anderson’s, but they’d been on the small side back then. Since high school ended, Shepard had grown another slow two inches, both upward and in the width of his shoulders.

He made his bed, then flopped backward into it. He must have fallen asleep, because the knock that came what felt like seconds later shocked him bolt upright.

“Oh,” Kaidan’s face peered around the doorway, doing the scolded puppy look again. “Sorry, were you napping?”

“It’s okay,” Shepard said. He ran his knuckles over the corner of his mouth, convinced he was drooling everywhere. He did catch a dot of moisture but nothing like the waterfall he’d imagined. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep anyways.”

Working late shifts or night shifts left him tired a lot of the time. Sometimes he made it up, but usually he didn’t. There was always coffee.

Kaidan was glancing around the room at the few personal items Shepard had put out: a Star Wars poster, a Solid Snake action figure, a stack of comics on his one half-sized bookshelf. “Nice,” he said. “Marvel or DC?”

“Marvel, but,” Shepard held up a finger, “I do love Batman.”

“Same,” Kaidan said. “I’ve never been able to get into Superman, though.”

Shepard shrugged. “Me neither.” That was a lie, and Kaidan would see right through it if he came into Shepard’s room after he’d unpacked his trade paperbacks. Superman could fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes and survive just about anything. How could any kid not look up to that?

“Yeah, I mean I know on the surface Bruce Wayne is a spoiled brat with jillions of dollars, but Batman is so...I dunno, he’s vulnerable right? He’s a great athlete and a really smart, rich guy who channels his resources into this sometimes screwy vengeance gig, but...” Kaidan leaned his shoulder in the doorframe. “He’s breakable. He’s human. So it seems like a braver choice, y’know?” He adjusted his glasses. “I mean, Superman is pretty much a god, so it’s like yeah _obviously_ superheroics are the career for him.”

“Well, there’s kryptonite,” Shepard said. “Heard it does a number on him.”

Kaidan laughed and it was this soft, rough sound, and Shepard swallowed. There were different kinds of kryptonite.

“Anyway, sorry I”ll... I’ll stop nerding at you before I start cracking Metal Gear jokes.” Kaidan pointed to Solid Snake. He pushed his glasses up his nose again, and the gesture was so perfectly Otacon it might as well have been a Metal Gear joke.

“It’s okay,” Shepard stood and stretched, felt his hip pop, then straightened out. “Just don’t get me going about Wolverine, or your evening’ll be shot.”

“Got it.” Kaidan gave a curt nod. “No Wolverine. Love-hate relationship?”

“Sixty-forty,” Shepard said.

“Antiheroes,” Kaidan shook his head. “It’s always kinda like that, isn’t it.”

They stood for a few seconds, both of them unsure where this was going. Then Shepard’s stomach growled, and he put a hand on it, feeling heat creeping into his ears. “Guess those grilled cheeses wore off,” he said.

“Hey, well I was about to ask if you wanted to order some dinner.”

In the living room they settled on Thai and Kaidan dialled in the order. By the way the call went down, it sounded like he was pretty familiar with whoever was on the other end of the line. After he’d hung up, Kaidan went back to his laptop and closed the lid.

“You taking summer courses?” Shepard asked. He hoped that wasn’t being nosy. Sometimes being nosy and keeping a conversation from going up in a puff of smoke felt like the same thing.

“Oh, no, um...” Kaidan ran a hand through his hair. The curls were all ruffled at the front, probably from being repeatedly swept through. “I started a food blog a couple years ago, and it got kinda popular, I guess? Anyway, I got approached by this online magazine to do a column for them a couple times a week, and that took off, so I kinda graduated to writing print articles, but then they had a summer assistant editor thing they wanted me to do, so, uh... Well, that’s what I was working on.”

“Cool,” Shepard said. That really was pretty cool. It always seemed like nothing lucrative could come of the internet, but maybe it was like everything else and just took luck and a smidge of finessing. Shepard had the occasional luck, but the finessing part eluded him. “So, how do you, uh. What does that entail?”

Kaidan plunked down on the couch. “Well, mostly I...go to restaurants to try out a couple dishes and take a few pictures. Sometimes it’s little bakeries or cafés. Then I write about the food, usually honestly, but every once in a while I have to spin toward the positive. The editing stuff is mostly...reading and fixing the odd typo. It’s pretty... It’s pretty straightforward,” he said.

That round belly was making more and more sense all the time.

“Sounds like a fun job,” Shepard said. He followed Kaidan’s lead and settled into the opposite corner of the couch.

“Yeah, it’s been good to me. I gotta give up the reviewing part when classes start after next week, since it’s too hard to schedule, but that might be for the best since...” Kaidan put a palm on the upper curve of his stomach. “It definitely all ends up right here.” He smiled, so Shepard smiled back, but there was something wistful in it.

It was fleeting. Over before Shepard could get a real read on it. Kaidan reached for the TV remote. “You like Archer?” he asked.

“What’s Archer?” Shepard didn’t watch a lot of TV. Except the few things Garrus forced him to marathon and the odd sitcom when he was at work, but those were only the bad nights.

“Think James Bond meets Arrested Development, only a cartoon.”

Three things Shepard happened to enjoy.

“I think I might like Archer,” Shepard said.


	3. worse ways to go

The first week went by quietly. Shepard was out most evenings and nights, working, and Kaidan often spent the early parts of his days at one of the coffee shops on campus, writing and drinking too much coffee and eating this one particular kind of blueberry muffin that he’d introduced Shepard to the day after he’d moved in. His magazine food adventures happened in the afternoons, and on those days he’d come home full and ready to curl up on the couch and digest for an hour or two.

Kaidan was quiet no matter what he was doing. The loudest he got was when his fingers flew across the keyboard, composing emails and blog posts and articles at the speed of the internet itself. He was often at home without Shepard even realizing he was there, settled on his bed accompanied by a snack and his laptop, with a big pair of expensive headphones over his ears. He usually left his bedroom door open, so Shepard would stick his head in and say hi and Kaidan would say hi and it wasn’t long before they were having conversations that lasted more than three to five sentences.

In fact, Shepard was always surprised how well they navigated each other’s awkward pauses and missteps. Kaidan was gracious enough to gloss over Shepard’s fumbles and Shepard generally didn’t notice if Kaidan fumbled to begin with, so it was easy to talk. Easier than it ever had been for Shepard before, at least.

Especially considering he had a monster crush on the guy. Like, Godzilla rampaging through Tokyo style crush, all red ears and sweaty palms and heart flip-flopping in his chest.

Shepard hadn’t had one of those crushes since he’d met Garrus Vakarian in the third grade, and back then he hadn’t known what it meant. Not that it would’ve mattered, since the only thing that seemed to get Garrus’s heart fluttering was paintball equipment and jet engines.

Either way, Shepard’s crush on Kaidan didn’t matter for two reasons. First, they were roommates, and even Shepard knew that made it a bad idea. Second, guys like Kaidan—beautiful, sweet, smart people from good families with great taste—didn’t go in for scrubs with only two pairs of shoes. However, that didn’t mean that Shepard wasn’t going to take what he could get. If friendship was on the table, then he would work hard to keep it there.

Once classes started up, Tuesdays and Fridays turned out to be the days that their schedules crossed paths the most. Shepard only had two classes those days, and both those nights off work, and although Kaidan spent more time in class than Shepard, he was around most evenings. He’d come home and pace the kitchen with a beer in his hand, two or three open cookbooks spread on the counter. Once he’d chosen a recipe, he’d make enough for both of them. Shepard told him after the first couple meals that he felt bad about taking advantage of the generosity.

“It’s no big deal, I don’t mind doing it,” Kaidan said. “Just make sure you chip in your part for the groceries. Or pick us up another case of beer tomorrow and we’ll call it square?”

“I can do that,” Shepard said. He would do both of those things.

Tonight’s menu was chicken stir fry, and Shepard had been put to work chopping vegetables. He’d also been handed a beer and promised half the spoils, so he was eager to get the job done.

“You cook a lot, huh?” Shepard asked. Even when Shepard wasn’t around, he knew there’d been cooking going on. There were always containers of leftovers in the fridge, good smells lingering in the apartment when he rolled in at three a.m. or later. He paused after slicing a red pepper in half to pop the cap off his beer and take a sip.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said. He laughed, then turned to look over his shoulder. He was standing in front of the frying pan, pushing chicken around with a spatula. Everything smelled like hot sesame oil. “I mean, if it’s not obvious by now, I like to eat, so...” He shrugged and put a hand on his side. “Gotta cook if you wanna eat.”

It was definitely obvious that he liked to eat. Shepard swallowed. Tried to laugh it off and hope he hadn’t made Kaidan uncomfortable. He took another sip of beer and went back to chopping vegetables.

If he was honest, Shepard spent a lot of time trying damn hard to make sure he was tactful about the belly. After all, that was the kind of thing you didn’t mention in polite society. It was rude. Shepard might’ve grown up half-wild but even he knew that.

Unfortunately, Kaidan had these little ways of bringing conversation around to it. His job was about food. Food was his hobby. And he didn’t eat just for the sake of eating, either. His chips were the gourmet kind. The ice cream in the freezer was the pricy no substitutes full-fat brand, not the bargain bucket of ice milk that always had a corner reserved for it in Anderson’s freezer. When they ordered pizza, it was from the independent place that used fancy Italian meats Shepard couldn’t pronounce. Even the bacon came from a butcher shop, and not out of a plastic package from a supermarket bin.

Kaidan loved food, but it had to be good food. If he didn’t like something, he wouldn’t finish it, which Shepard had learned when they’d gotten a little too eclectic with their pizza topping choices one night. Shepard—having grown up competing for whatever mouthful he could nab before his foster siblings devoured it all out from under him—didn’t discern, and he’d ended up eating most of that one.

A little hot sauce could save anything.

So, Kaidan was harder to please, but when he did like something, he liked it enough to eat almost all of it in one go, which seemed to be what got him into trouble. Shepard had seen baked goods disappear from the kitchen in single afternoons: batches of cookies demolished, boxes of donuts emptied. He’d personally witnessed Kaidan put away an entire pizza without even blinking. Thin crust, but nonetheless.

That’s when conversation would usually come back around to the belly. Kaidan would settle on the couch and put a hand on his stomach and sigh, say something about how he’d overdone it. “Damn, these jeans are getting tight” was a pretty common refrain since school started.

Shepard wasn’t sure if he was looking for sympathy or reassurance, but that’s what he’d give him. “They’re not _that_ tight,” he’d say, even though that was a fib. Now that they were at the beginning of October, the fib was turning into more of a lie.

Those jeans were pretty tight. And Shepard thought it was pretty sexy, even if he couldn’t figure out exactly why. Probably because Kaidan was sexy, and the rest just happened by default.

“You got the broccoli done yet, Shepard?”

“Hmm? Oh.” Shepard handed off the chopping board. He’d finished with the last of the vegetables, and the rest was up to Kaidan.

Kaidan, whose ass was looking thick and downright juicy in his too-tight jeans. Shepard bit the inside of his cheek and focused on his beer.

A few minutes later, they ate. Then they went their separate ways to do homework.

Behind his closed bedroom door Shepard let his head fall back against the wall and ran his fingers over the fly of his jeans. He’d been hard on and off since they’d started cooking. Fully erect against the waistband of his pants for three painful minutes at the dinner table. It’d happened when Kaidan got up to get seconds and his t-shirt had risen just enough to show the dark trail of hair that snaked down the centerline of his stomach. He’d fixed it almost right away—he always did—but that glimpse had been enough.

Shepard clenched his teeth and popped the button on his fly. He flopped onto the bed, flat on his back, and shoved his hand into his underwear.

This was the third reason his crush on Kaidan was a bad idea. There was this awkward, hot undercurrent whenever the subject of those tight jeans came up. Shepard couldn’t explain it. Like they wanted to talk about it but they knew they couldn’t. Maybe they were both weird and that was why every interaction felt like striking flint, even the dumb stuff that shouldn’t have felt like anything. Kaidan sighing, Kaidan sipping a beer, the slope of his lower back and the curve of his ass. It was all more than Shepard knew how to handle, but god, did he ever want to get his hands on it.

Even when it was Shepard alone with his dick in his fist, he’d always fought not to fantasize about what he desperately wanted to fantasize about. If you gave in too often, you might wear it out. Fray the edges of the thought to nothing and then it wouldn’t feel the same ever again. Sometimes that approach worked, other times it didn’t, and when he let himself fantasize he’d come fast and unstoppable into his hand, hot-cheeked with shame when it was over.

Except now the fantasy was unavoidable. It lived in his apartment. It had a name, and a face, and wore glasses and liked to cook. Shepard figured he was one of the rare people alive who could literally say that his fantasy slept in a bedroom down the hall.

Kaidan looked really good in those jeans. Thinking it made Shepard’s dick twitch in his hand. Yeah Kaidan was a little soft and maybe getting a little softer, but god fucking damn it he was sexy. Sexy as hell, only getting sexier the more Shepard got to know him.

Shepard slapped a pillow over his face and groaned into it. What a completely dumb thing to get off to, not to mention unfair, since this was a real guy he had to look in the face every day. _Good morning Kaidan, I just came thinking about how badly I want to sink my teeth into your perfect, round ass._

Fuck.

Shepard squeezed his dick, worked himself faster.

Kaidan with his messy hair in the mornings, still in his jammies, brewing a pot of coffee while he worked on his third slice of toast and peanut butter. The arc of his spine and the outward bow of his stomach when he stretched, arms above his head, a little hum in the back of his throat. The blue stubble on his cheeks and the line of dark hair down the center of his stomach...

There was a hitch in Shepard’s gut and all his muscles caught, and then he was coming. He laid there sticky and twitching, hand still covering his softening dick and pillow still covering his face, for a few minutes.

Lately, sometimes he wondered if that was how he would die: accidental autoerotic asphyxiation while thinking about Kaidan. Eventually he shoved the pillow aside and reached for the tissues.

Well. There were worse ways to go.


	4. bad ideas

Midway through October, Shepard came home one night to the sound of unfamiliar laughter on the other side of the apartment door. He let himself in, and the first thing he saw was a massive pair of shoulders leaning on the bar. The stranger had his eyes on Kaidan, who was standing in front of the stove, stirring a pot full of what smelled like pesto pasta. 

“Hey Shepard,” Kaidan called out. 

Shepard hefted the case of beer he was carrying. He needed to put it in the fridge, no matter how badly he’d rather skip interacting and close himself in his bedroom. “Hey,” he said. He walked into the kitchen, trying to look purposeful. 

“Shepard, this is my friend James,” Kaidan said. 

“The roommate, huh?” James leaned further over the counter to extend a huge hand, and Shepard took it. James’s shake was hard and dry. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “Nice to meet you.” 

James was enormous. Not fat, at least not the way Kaidan was kinda fat, but bodybuilder fat. Hard fat. Mostly muscle with a few pounds of bulk around the midsection that hadn’t been converted to more muscle yet. The guy was essentially a mountain. He straightened up after they shook hands and came around the counter to lean next to Kaidan by the stove. 

At least Shepard was taller, even if he was a pool noodle in comparison. He slid the case of beer into the fridge and started to walk away. 

“Shepard, you wanna have some dinner with us? This is almost ready.” Kaidan’s cheeks were pink under his glasses. He was standing with his weight kiltered toward James. 

“Nah, it’s okay,” Shepard said. “I already ate.” He hadn’t. He’d grab something when Ash picked him up for their shift. 

“Hey c’mon, have a beer at least?” James said. James had a little curl in the corner of his lips that made Shepard think he probably didn’t hear no too often. 

“I gotta get ready for work.” Shepard shrugged. “You guys help yourselves, though.” 

“Another time then, maybe.” James craned his neck to peer at whatever Kaidan was stirring. “Looks like you’re missing out though, this smells amazing.” 

It did smell incredible. Kaidan’s cooking was always on point. 

“I hope it’ll be okay,” Kaidan said. 

James put a hand on Kaidan’s lower back, right where one of those sweet little divots curved in at the base of his spine. Shepard had seen them a few times; when Kaidan stretched, or when he came out of his room bleary and tired to say hi, if he was still awake, when Shepard came in late.

“It’s gonna be great,” James said. He was smiling. He had a wide jaw but his mouth had this soft look to it, and it made Shepard clench his teeth. 

Shepard hustled into his bedroom to put on his uniform. He had an hour before Ash would come to pick him up at the front doors of the building, but he needed a walk. He stripped, then dressed, then made a rapid exit past the kitchen, answering Kaidan’s “see you, Shepard” with a quick “bye.” 

He took the stairs down to the lobby.

It was bound to happen. Kaidan was cute, and he was nice, and people noticed him. Whenever they were out together, people noticed Kaidan. Shepard noticed them noticing, even if Kaidan seemed oblivious. That was usually how it went. Shepard had made a career out of sliding under the radar, so he knew he didn’t turn heads. Kaidan though... Kaidan kept his chin up. He smiled at people. It was obvious he’d been told more than a few times in his life that he was good enough, that he was worthy. 

He still went for coffee with his mother at least once a week, and Shepard suspected she might have something to do with how well her kid had turned out, even though he hadn’t met her yet. 

In that moment, he realized he wanted to meet her. If that was supposed to mean something all it did was make him mad. 

This whole crush on Kaidan thing was an awful idea to start with, and it was time to let it go. You couldn’t date your roommate and hell, up until today, Shepard hadn’t even known if Kaidan went for dudes. He’d had an idea he might, just from a few passing comments, remarks on certain actors, blushy cheeks when they interacted with particular baristas at the coffee shop. But he could say the exact same thing about a lot of girls, too, so it was a close call. Maybe Kaidan was bi, which Shepard could see suiting him. Maybe the inside stuff was more important than the outside stuff to Kaidan. At least, as far as what was between someone’s legs. Obviously attraction was more complicated than that. 

If James was Kaidan’s type, Shepard would never have stood a chance anyway. There was no way he’d ever look like that. He’d been underweight his whole young life, always pointy hips and elbows and knobby knees. It didn’t seem to matter how much he stuffed his face, either. It disappeared. When he was a teenager, Anderson had taken him to the clinic to have his thyroid tested, just to be sure he wasn’t sick instead of plain old skinny. His blood work had come out fine and he’d been given extra helpings at the dinner table after that, and it’d helped, but he never did fill out much. 

Not like Kaidan, who seemed to be made for it. Everything filled Kaidan out. Like that pasta he was cooking: that was gonna stick to his ribs and make his jeans even tighter. And James was gonna be the one appreciating the view. 

Shepard sucked in a deep breath of the chill fall air. Now was a bad time. Starting now, it was always a bad time to think about Kaidan’s tight jeans. Especially if that James guy was gonna be a fixture. 

Shepard spent an hour circling the outer rim of the campus, but he was back in front of the apartment building in time for Ash to pick him up. 

She took one look at him and said “Jeez, who put the bug up your ass?”

For all her bluster, she was good at reading people. She’d make an excellent cop someday. 

“I haven’t eaten since lunch,” Shepard said. 

“Christ, Shepard. You know you get moody if you don’t eat.” She rummaged in the glove compartment and threw a protein bar into his lap. “We’ll stop at the deli and get you something but seriously, put that in your face right now. I can’t handle you when you’re bitchy.” 

She’d make a good parent someday, too. Or chief of police, more likely. Maybe both. 

“Yes ma’am.” Shepard unwrapped the bar and bit into it, then turned to look out the window to hide the way she’d made him smile.


	5. even worse ideas

Kaidan stopped being around as much on Fridays, so Shepard picked up a couple extra shifts. He needed the cash, and spending Friday alone in an empty apartment always made him miss Garrus even worse than he did on an average day. He had to admit, his social life had taken a huge hit when Vakarian had moved to Montreal for school. Aside from him and Ash, there weren’t a lot of people Shepard felt close to. He’d been getting there with Kaidan, but...things had been weird lately. Or weirder, if you wanted to get particular about it.

Since James’s first visit he’d turned up at the apartment over and over again, usually to collect Kaidan or to drop him off. The two of them spent a lot of time together, studying for quizzes or eating or working out. Kaidan had started doing some lifting, and it was already showing in his arms. Obviously they were both skipping cardio, though, because Kaidan’s weight was still on an upward trajectory. He always came home full from his James outings, obviously trying to keep up with the massive beast of a guy and definitely not working it off afterward.

Shepard didn’t want to know how many hours James clocked with the weights every week to be that big. Probably more than Shepard spent sleeping. Though, it wasn’t like that was hard to do, all things considered.

Between extra shifts and midterms, Shepard was running a serious sleep deficit. At least there were almost always meals made when he stumbled in punch drunk in the wee hours, little scribbly notes from Kaidan directing him to containers in the fridge for leftovers. Shepard was grateful, and he ate them. He felt guilty, and he knew most of the meals had been made with James in mind, but when he was exhausted and starving that mattered a lot less.

At least Kaidan was still thinking about him enough to make sure he got a helping.

It was Ash who finally forced him to take a Friday night off at the end of November. “You look like shit, Shepard. You’re not working tomorrow. Go home after your last class and go to bed.”

He didn’t argue. You didn’t argue with Ash. The next day, he went to his classes, ate a sandwich on the walk back to the apartment, then stripped down to his boxers and crawled into bed to pass out around four in the afternoon.

When he woke up, he couldn’t tell how much time had passed. He was still on his stomach, exactly as he had been when he’d slithered into bed, but now there were voices in the apartment. Kaidan and James talking. Not loud, but not hushed either. Too muffled for him to decipher what was being said.

Shepard dragged himself out from under the covers. Kaidan probably thought he was at work, since he had been for the past three weeks in a row. He was just going to stick his head out into the living room and say hi and ask for a little quiet, but before he could turn the door handle a soft noise stopped him in his tracks.

He squinted, trying to focus. He tilted his ear closer to the door.

Another noise: soft, raspy. Kaidan’s voice in there somewhere, the gravely lilt of it still recognizable in the whimper.

Kaidan whimpering. Shepard froze with both palms against his door, not wanting to hear it and desperate to hear it again.

“James, we need to... My room,” Kaidan said. His voice was low, but Shepard could tell he was talking like he thought nobody was home. If he’d thought anyone was home, he probably wouldn’t be talking at all. “I dunno when Shepard finishes his shift.”

“You said he works late.” This was James. A rumble, deep but smooth. “C’mon, don’t worry about it.”

The sofa creaked. Kaidan whimpered again.

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut. His dick started to stiffen, slowly pushing the fabric of his boxers into a tent.

He heard more creaking. Shifting. Something that might have been kissing. Then a deep sigh.

“Hmm, yeah,” James said. “ _Yeah_ , Vanilla. You like that, don’t you.”

Everything dissolved into breaths, and Shepard lost track of who they belonged to. Either himself or James, he didn’t know. His dick ached in his boxers.

“Nnn, god, yeah, where’d you learn to do that?” James moaned, and Shepard had to bite in a fast breath to keep from moaning with him. He was imagining Kaidan’s crooked mouth, those plush lips, how they would feel slipping over his dick along with the scrape of his tongue. Shepard bit the inside of his cheek and pictured it, the scene out in the living room: James unbuttoned, huge body tensed. Thighs spread and Kaidan’s face between his legs.

It was goddamn awful, and it was so fucking hot that Shepard could feel pre-cum beading at his tip.

James’s breathing sped up. He said yeah a couple more times and started gasping. Then his rhythmic encouragement stalled, and he grunted. The couch creaked again. Silence fell into place like a weight.

Finally, James hummed. “Shit, Vanilla. You’re pretty good at that.”

Kaidan laughed. That soft, fragile little laugh Shepard had only heard a couple of times.

He opened the bedroom door without thinking about it.

James said “Jesus,” and Shepard heard scrambling. It was dark save for a dim glow from the kitchen. He could barely make out two shapes—Kaidan standing, James sitting—silhouetted against the living room window.

“Hey,” Shepard said. “Can you guys keep it down out here? I’m pretty wrecked and I have to write a paper tomorrow.”

Kaidan took a couple steps forward, and Shepard remembered his hard-on with a wince. He hoped it was too dark for it to be obvious.

“Shepard, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you were home,” Kaidan said. His voice had a waver in it Shepard had never heard before.

“It’s fine.” Shepard took a step backward into his room. He was hunching over, half-shielding his crotch. He swallowed, wishing he’d tucked his erection into his waistband before pulling any dumbass startle tactics. “Just...maybe stick to the bedroom next time.”

Kaidan sighed. “Yeah,” he said. “Shit, I’m really sorry Shepard.”

“It’s fine.” He was repeating himself. They were both just going to start repeating themselves. “I’m gonna go back to sleep, so...”

“Yeah,” Kaidan agreed. “Yeah, of course.”

Shepard closed his door. He slid under the covers and wrapped his fingers around his dick and stroked until he came, fast, messing up his boxers. He squirmed out of them and huddled naked in his blankets, shaken and flushed, until he fell asleep.


	6. frank discussion

When Shepard woke up, he showered, shoved a pair of toaster waffles in his mouth, and headed for the library with his crummy laptop tucked in his backpack. His paper took him the better part of all day, and around four o’clock he took a walk through the Japanese garden to stretch his legs. When he went home to change for work, Kaidan’s bedroom door was closed. Either he was out, or he was still too embarrassed to show his face.

Shepard spent a long night patrolling the empty halls of a newly constructed building in a gentrifying area of downtown. No Ashley tonight. Solo job. Garrus started texting him around three am, in the midst of an all-nighter himself, and said he’d be back in town by early December. He’d lucked out on his exam schedule, so he got an extra week of holidays.

It cheered Shepard up, knowing Garrus would be in town. The two of them could probably get in some good buddy time if Shepard took a few nights off.

The apartment was definitely empty when Shepard got home. Kaidan’s door was open on a darkened room. There were no notes, no leftovers in plastic containers in the fridge.

Shepard wondered if maybe Ash needed a roommate at her new place. Maybe there were openings in her building. Either way, he was probably going to have to move, and soon. He’d really fucked up on this one.

He could’ve just stayed in his bedroom. There’d been no good reason to embarrass himself and Kaidan. And James.

Not that he cared all that much about embarrassing James.

There’d been no good reason to open that door, but there was a bad one: he was jealous. That was why he’d done it. He knew that, and it made him feel like an asshole. It made his lungs feel too shallow. He’d done it to be petty and small and to mark his territory because no matter how badly he wanted not to have a crush on Kaidan he absolutely still had a crush on Kaidan. Monster Godzilla acting like an asshole crush. He wanted to be the guy getting a blowjob on the sofa in the middle of the night—and the guy returning the favor—and it was making him stupid.

Well, it was making him _act_ stupid, as Anderson had always been careful to clarify. Whenever Shepard slipped and got himself in trouble, it was the same thing. “You’re not stupid, Shepard. You have half the world fooled, but not me. I know you’re a smart kid. But right now? You sure are acting stupid.”

Shepard didn’t see Kaidan all weekend, and no sign on Monday either. By then, he’d worked out what he was going to say. How he’d pay December’s rent, but he’d hit the road if Kaidan wanted. He’d move his crap back to Anderson’s house for a couple weeks while he worked something out.

Kaidan was on the sofa when Shepard came in from his last Tuesday class. It froze Shepard in place by the door, but Kaidan looked over at him with a weak smile.

“Hey, Shepard.”

He looked tired. There was an empty bowl on the coffee table and a crumpled bag of chips next to it. He had a hand on top of his belly; classic sign that he’d overdone it.

Shepard had been geared to launch into his apology, ready to give his exit speech, but instead he put his backpack down and walked over to the couch. “Everything okay?” he asked.

Kaidan sucked in a huge breath, then sighed it out. “Yeah,” he said. Then he shook his head. “Actually, no, but...it’s my own fault.” His stomach made a noise, and he grimaced. “And I ate too much.”

“You want the pepto?”

“Uh. Yeah, sure. Thanks.”

Shepard collected the pink container out of the vitamin cupboard and brought it to Kaidan, who swigged it right out of the bottle.

Kaidan’s lips had a grim set to them. “Look, about the other night—”

“No, I’m really... I’m really sorry about that,” Shepard said. He sat down on the couch. “I should’ve just ignored it.”

“No, you were right, we were, um... It was really inappropriate and I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d be home but that doesn’t matter.” Kaidan’s brows pinched on his forehead. “But...don’t worry, it won’t happen again.”

That meant more than one thing. Even Shepard could see that. “Something happen?” he asked. His stomach dropped. He’d wanted to startle James, yeah, but if he’d scared him off entirely then he’d wind up with a solid brick of guilt lodged in his throat.

“Yeah, but... Hey, we don’t have to talk about this stuff, if you aren’t cool with it. I mean, I appreciate you asking.”

Shepard shrugged. “It’s cool. I don’t mind.”

“Okay.” Kaidan nodded. He wriggled a bit, tugged at his t-shirt. “It’s just...James, I guess. He’s ignoring my texts.”

Oh, fuck. Shepard hadn’t thought it was possible for his stomach to sink any deeper, but it did. “Shit, I hope it wasn’t because of...um.” _Me barging in on you guys, boner and all, after you’d hooked up._

“No, no,” Kaidan reached over and patted Shepard on the shoulder. “No, believe me, it would take more than that to scare James. He’s kind of the world’s biggest exhibitionist. I mean, if you’d stuck your head out any sooner he probably would’ve...” Kaidan stopped and gave Shepard a sideways glance, cheeks going hot pink. “Uh, nevermind. Anyway, It’s not about that.”

Shepard’s stomach started to ease back to where it belonged, though he could feel his ears getting hot. Kaidan hinting at him witnessing the intimate situation was enough to make both of them blush.

“I think he’s just doing that whole withholding thing where he...blows me off to make me want it more.”

Shepard said, “Phrasing.”

Kaidan laughed. “Yeah. Uh. That was bad, but. You know what I mean, right?”

He’d heard about it. It was one of those dating rules Shepard had never had any reason to pay attention to, since he didn’t date, but he did know what he meant. “Sure,” he said.

“Anyway, it’s immature and it’s pissing me off and... Wow, I ate _way_ too much ice cream,” Kaidan said. He hummed a little noise and wriggled again. He let his head fall back on the cushions behind him. “I’m living in serious regret right now. You’re lucky, you know.”

Shepard had to focus on Kaidan’s face to avoid looking at the curve of his soft tummy. It had gotten a little bigger over the last four weeks. “Hmm?”

“Being so skinny, you’re lucky. You can eat whatever and it doesn’t matter,” Kaidan said. “Not like me. God, I get fat just thinking about food, and unfortunately I kinda...think about it a lot.”

Shepard looked down at his chest, the flat stomach and skinny thighs. “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be,” he said. Sometimes he felt like a stick waiting to get snapped in half, probably by a boulder like James. He also had trouble finding jeans that were long enough and as slim as he needed them in the waist. There was never much to choose from in his size. “I have a hell of a time keeping any weight on, even if I want it.”

“Well Shepard, I would gladly share some of mine with you but...” Kaidan hugged his stomach. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

Shepard snorted. “It looks good on you anyway,” he said.

That surprised him as much as it surprised Kaidan. They were both quiet, cheeks and ears getting pinker by the second.

“Uh.” Kaidan fidgeted with the hem of his t-shirt. “Thanks.” He smiled. An embarrassed smile, but still a smile, and Shepard managed to smile back.

Kaidan’s phone vibrated on the table, and he leaned forward with an oof to check it, showing off a love handle in the process.

Shepard gulped. “James?” he asked.

“Yeah.” Kaidan sighed.

Shepard got up and straightened out his hoodie and jeans. “Look, if you like the guy and you have a good time together, then...” Shepard shrugged.

Kaidan pushed his glasses up his nose and half-smiled. “Yeah. Thanks, Shepard. For the pepto and the, uh...”

“Pep-talk?” Shepard said. That was a bad one. They were all about the bad ones.

“Yeah.” Kaidan chuckled. “Yeah, exactly.”

“Any time,” Shepard said. He slipped into his bedroom and closed the door. He sat down on the edge of the bed and rubbed his face with both hands. Monster crush aside, Kaidan deserved to be happy. If James was going to make that happen, then Shepard would have to learn to live with it.

And if James dicked Kaidan around Shepard was going to punch him right on that snub nose of his, consequences be damned.


	7. theories

Shepard survived his exams. Garrus was back in town. There were christmas lights strung up across half the city and winter break was officially coming up, even for Shepard, since he’d scheduled a few days off in a row—something he hadn’t done since he’d started working security after high school. 

That was the good news. The bad news was that James and Kaidan were back on, at least enough that they’d resumed their normal schedule of studying and gym visits and dinners together. 

The James stuff seemed to be a mixed blessing for Kaidan, since he seemed happier, sometimes, but it also meant the jeans he’d bought in October to replace his too-tight ones were already looking snug. Even his face was chubbier; softer cheeks and this cute little bit of pudge under his chin. As far as Shepard could tell, Kaidan liked spending time with James, but he was starting to look downright miserable about the consequences it was having.

“Don’t let me eat, okay?” Kaidan said when they sat down to watch a movie that night. James was busy: some frat party thing. 

“Okay,” Shepard agreed. 

“I’m serious, Shepard. I already ate too much today and I’m getting way too fat.” 

Shepard wanted to tell him that he looked amazing. Sexy as hell. The trips to the gym meant that his arms were getting toned, big enough to balance off the belly. He was this stunning mix of strong and soft, and Shepard wanted to crawl on his hands and knees and beg to bury his face against his chest, nuzzle down that dark trail of hair on his lower abdomen that he’d seen so many times but never felt. 

Instead he just said, “Okay.” 

It upset him to see Kaidan upset. It felt like an invasion of privacy just thinking about it, but he wondered how much weight Kaidan had actually put on since they’d met. Body types were tricky, and he’d already been on the soft side when Shepard moved in. This sort of stuff was personal and also none of Shepard’s business, so he didn’t dare ask. 

At least, he couldn’t ask Kaidan. 

The next night at work he decided to consult the closest thing to a Kaidan expert he knew of. 

“Hey Ash?” 

She was shining her flashlight down an empty hallway, always alert. She gave one hundred percent on the job, every day, unless there was a youtube video she really wanted to show him. Things were pretty quiet in this neighbourhood, so it wasn’t like they had bad guys to chase. Once she was satisfied there was no suspicious activity she turned back to Shepard. “What?” 

“Has Kaidan always been, um.” Shepard stalled. How did you put it delicately? Were people even supposed to acknowledge this kind of thing? “Has he always been...”

“Chubby?” Ash finished for him. 

Shepard swallowed. “Yeah.” 

“Yeah, he was chubby when I moved in last year. He yo-yos. I mean, I guess he’s gotten bigger in the past few months. I didn’t want to say anything to him cuz it’s pretty personal, but he packed on a few over the summer.” She shook her head. “He’s one of those eats his feelings types. Stress, too. I kept trying to get him to come to the gym with me, but I think he was too shy.” 

Probably afraid for his life. Going to the gym with Ashley was a recipe for a sore body the next day, and that was if you were in good shape to begin with. Ash was a cardio queen.

Kaidan would’ve been a goner. 

Kind of like Shepard was a goner, given the topic of conversation. “He is a little shy,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Ashley pulled out her ring of keys and let them into the next wing of the building. “Why do you ask, anyway? You gonna try and whip him into shape?” 

“No,” Shepard said. “No, that’s not... It’s not my place.” He couldn’t imagine anything worse than some skinny asshole swooping in and telling someone how they needed to treat their body. Kaidan wasn’t unhealthy anyway, not really. Shepard knew he walked a lot, everywhere on campus, and often through the woods nearby. They went together, now and then. Plus his gym visits with James. “I was just wondering, I guess, since he’s...” Shepard paused. Saying it would probably make him sound like a total interfering jerk. 

“Packin’ it on again? Yeah, like I said.” Ashley tapped her temple. “Stress. If you’re worried about him you should say something to him.” 

“I can’t,” Shepard said. It was Kaidan who talked about his weight, not Shepard. Shepard didn’t initiate those conversations. He barely participated for fear of Kaidan noticing how pink it made Shepard’s stupid ears. 

“Look, he’s sensitive, but he can take it. Maybe he needs to hear it to acknowledge he’s got a problem. If he’s outta control, it starts to make him seriously unhappy.” 

Kaidan was definitely unhappy. Even after spending time with James, he seemed unhappy. Lately whenever he walked through the door he’d grab the pepto and hit the couch to curl up under a blanket to marathon Parks and Rec. When he didn’t have to go out, he’d given up on jeans entirely and was living in sweats.

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “I think that guy he’s sorta dating is a chaser, though.” 

Shepard’s mouth to brain barrier was not functioning at optimal levels. His crush on Kaidan combined with sleep deprivation was impairing it. His cheek twitched. 

Ash stopped to shine the light into another room. “James? The beefcake?”

“Yeah.” At least Shepard hadn’t blurted out that he’d caught the two of them fooling around in the livingroom. 

“Huh.” They kept walking. “I’ve only met him a couple times. He seems nice but he’s definitely got that whole macho dumbass jock thing going on. You think he’s a chubby chaser?” Ashley laughed.

It was a good thing it was dark, because Shepard’s ears were burning so hot it was creeping into his cheeks. “No. Well, Yeah, I mean...I’m sure he likes Kaidan and everything, but they do eat together a lot.” 

Ashley laughed, but she nodded. “Stranger things have happened.” She opened another door on another empty room. “Maybe you should ask K about it.”

Because that would go down about as well as a knife at a gun fight. “Yeah sure Ash, I’ll get right on that.”

She laughed again. “Well, who knows. Unless you ask him, the whole James is a chaser thing is a pretty big leap. I mean, people who are dating tend to...have dinner together, now and then.”

Shepard sighed. “Yeah.” It wasn’t his place to pry. Especially since the whole Kaidan and James arrangement didn’t seem to end in intimacy all that often. At least, not that Shepard knew about. 

“Hey, isn’t Vakarian back in town?” 

“Since yesterday.” They were going to meet for lunch downtown the next day. 

“Never thought I’d say this but...I think it’ll be good for you to spend some time with him. Your Garrus-weird is better than whatever this Kaidan-weird is.” 

Shepard had to agree with her.


	8. pancakes

A few days later, Shepard finished his last shift before his week off. It was a late one, and he stumbled into the apartment around five in the morning. He did his best to keep quiet, but he needed a snack before he passed out, so he went for a quick rifle through the fridge. He turned up some cheese and a hunk of cucumber, as well as some leftover chicken breast from two nights before. It’d do.

He was in the middle of putting everything between two slices of bread to pad it out when Kaidan’s door creaked open. Shepard looked up, waiting for the familiar sleepy face to appear and the gravelly hello that always came with it.

Instead, James slipped out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him. He nodded at Shepard, then pulled a t-shirt on over his enormous torso. His jacket was draped across the couch, and he collected that too.

He whispered “See ya,” and Shepard answered with a scratchy “bye.” Then James let himself out.

Shepard ate the sandwich, even though he’d lost his appetite. His guts had balled up into a vicious snarl. It took him a long time to fall asleep.

In the morning, there was no sign of Kaidan. Shepard decided it felt like a pancakes and eggs sort of day, so he fumbled around making batter and heating up the cast iron pan. He’d bought some cheap bacon for himself so he didn’t waste Kaidan’s fancy kind every time he felt like something salty and crunchy.

Once that started to fry, Kaidan’s door clicked open. He was in a pair of boxer briefs and a big t-shirt, one of his newer ones. Tousled hair, no glasses yet—though he was already holding them—and a look on his face like he’d accidentally kicked a puppy. The ‘oh my god I didn’t mean to kick that puppy’ pinch between his puppy eyebrows.

It dawned on Shepard that he must’ve witnessed James making an unannounced departure in the wee hours of the night. The guy had left without waking Kaidan up to say he was going, and that...

That couldn’t feel very good.

“Hey,” Shepard said. “Bacon?”

A big sigh made the t-shirt stretch for a second. Kaidan rubbed his glasses on the hem of it, then put them on. “Sure.”

They were quiet over breakfast. Probably because Kaidan’d figured he’d be the one cooking it for James. Instead, it was Shepard finally picking up a spatula and serving Kaidan pancakes and bacon with two eggs on top, overeasy. No broken yolks or anything.

Shepard wanted to cheer him up but didn’t know where to start. All possible avenues of conversation were blocked in his head, like he’d made a wrong turn into a construction zone. Instead of talking, he tried to keep the silence comfortable. He stopped expecting them to talk and just ate his pancakes. He smiled if Kaidan looked at him, and offered more syrup if the timing was right, but otherwise he left well enough alone.

He was rinsing their dishes in the sink when Kaidan walked up behind him and hugged him. A tight hug, his arms cinched over Shepard’s skinny stomach and his warm full belly pressed hard against Shepard’s back. Shepard swallowed, ears immediately reaching a resting temperature of about four hundred degrees.

Of course the first time Kaidan decided to hug him he’d be facing the wrong way.

“Thanks, Shepard,” Kaidan said. It was muffled against the cotton of Shepard’s t-shirt.

“Sh...sure,” Shepard said. “No problem.” He’d gone tense all over, like a pulled bowstring.

Kaidan let go and disappeared back into his bedroom.

Shepard finished cleaning up the kitchen, scrubbing pans and wiping down the countertops until the place looked brand new.

Something told him Kaidan wasn’t going to be coming out of his room for a while, so he got dressed and headed out into the December cold to walk down fourth avenue. It was a long walk, and especially chilly when the lining of your winter coat was worn out from overuse. He’d had the stupid thing since he was fifteen and there were only so many years of service in a coat. It didn’t matter as much today, since he was lucky enough to have the memory of Kaidan, warm against his back, as an extra layer against the winter air.

A hug. A real one. Nothing had made him feel so good in years. Shepard tried not to think about the circumstances that had led to it, because when he did, a sadness nagged at the edges of the warmth.

Instead of dwelling on it, he walked.

Christmas was coming up, fast. He had Anderson all figured out already. Every year since he’d started working he’d been getting him the same thing: a coffee mug. It was a running joke, since Shepard had an innate talent for breaking Anderson’s mugs when he was young. It was always an accident, and he always felt horrible about it, even though Anderson never seemed to mind. After the third time, he’d started to laugh about it. After the fifth time Shepard had started to laugh about it too. This year he’d even gone to a department store and bought him a nice set of bone china ones, which was something Anderson would never bother buying for himself.

Garrus was easy: paintball gear or books about reptiles. Ashley was tougher, since she’d tease him about whatever he gave her, no matter what. This year he’d settled on a book of poems he’d found in a secondhand bookshop while he was hunting for a textbook Ash hadn’t loaned him. He knew she liked that sort of thing no matter how hard she tried to hide it, and it was a cool book. Old and weathered, with a dark green cover and that musty book smell. He was no judge of the actual poetry, though. That part was out of his league.

He’d been thinking about what to get Kaidan for a while. It should’ve been easy, considering they liked all the same stuff, but somehow that made it harder. The other tough part was that Kaidan already seemed to have pretty much everything. If he wanted a new comic book, he went and got it. New game? Got it. Movies and tv he just downloaded, some of it legally and some of it not. He’d been steadily adding to his wardrobe, too, over the course of the semester, though Shepard didn’t dare buy him clothes in case he interpreted that as some kind of subtle dig at his weight.

He was walking past a kitchen shop when he remembered their wooden spoons: they rested in a pitcher next to the stove and most of them were looking a little chewed, since they saw a lot of use. Shepard nodded to himself, went in and picked out some fancy French ones, then said yes please when the friendly woman behind the counter offered to tie a ribbon around them. Gift-wrapping. Everybody did gift-wrapping at this time of year.

Wooden spoons weren’t much, but they were something. They were a start. Maybe he’d give them to Kaidan when he got home, and that way he’d feel like he still had to get him a real present.

He’d wandered all the way to the Burrard street bridge by mid-afternoon. It was a rare clear day, not exactly sunny but bright, no rain, with the odd patch of blue sky. He was looking down into False Creek when he got a text from Garrus.

_Early dinner at La Taqueria? Solana’s buying._

It wasn’t much further to hoof it.

 _Sure_ , Shepard texted back.

He met them both an hour and a half later, hungry and still carrying the wooden spoons.

Solana ruffled his hair. “You’re getting shaggy,” she said. “Last I saw you it was all regulation buzz.”

Shepard shrugged. “Warmer for winter this way.” The truth was he’d been too lazy to bother shearing it off.

“So,” Solana picked up a piece of her quesadilla and pointed it at his shopping bag. “What’s that all about?” Her haircut had changed too, but hers got more extreme every time Shepard saw her. Right now it was half-shaved and short at the back, the longer front parts bleached to white blonde. Garrus was always accusing her of being a hipster, but she was too cool to put much stock in the opinion of her geeky little brother. After all, she worked at a tattoo parlour and Garrus was getting an engineering degree.

“Early Christmas present for my roommate, I guess,” Shepard said.

Solana raised an eyebrow and made a grab for the bag, and Shepard let her. When she saw spoons, her eyebrow fell back into place. “Well that’s boring,” she said.

“What were you thinking, it would be some lacy negligee?” Garrus asked her.

She shrugged, grinned a little. “I was hoping it would be worse than that. Wooden spoons, though... That’s pretty domestic there, Johnny. Who’s your roommate?”

Solana was the only person who called him Johnny. Probably the only person he’d ever let call him Johnny, and she barely got away with it even if she was just teasing. “His name’s Kaidan. Ash lived with him for a while before, but she wanted to move off campus, so I took her old room.”

“Ash, Ash...” Solana turned to Garrus. “Isn’t she the one that used to call you an alien in like, third grade? That Ash?”

Garrus sighed. “Yeah, that one. We’ve since made our peace. Kind of.”

“Kids are such weirdos. Who wants more cheap mexican beer? Garrus? Shepard?” Solana stood up to get them another round, figuring she already knew their answers.

Garrus leaned close to Shepard. “Tomorrow we hang out without her,” he said. “I don’t care how generous she is with the Dos Equis.”

Shepard sniffed a laugh. “She’s alright.” He wouldn’t let just anybody call him Johnny.


	9. risk and whiskey

Three days off disappeared in the blink of an eye. That was always how it went. Shepard remembered summer vacations in elementary school; those two long months stretched out in front of you at the end of June like the world was at your fingertips and then you were back sitting in class before you did half the things you meant to. He was starting to worry life was going to end up being the same thing.

Anderson would’ve given him the gears for that one.

On his fourth day off he parted ways with Garrus before dinner. Garrus was supposed to do a family thing and Shepard needed to recuperate. They’d gone paintballing, and Shepard had ended up very wet and very cold, and he was pretty sure he’d torn the shoulder of his jacket but he was too irritated by the thought of shopping for a new one to check.

Kaidan had been a bit of a mystery for the past seventy-two hours. He’d been at home, mostly, as far as Shepard could tell, but Shepard had been out a lot so it was tough to say for certain. Tonight Kaidan was on the sofa, cuddled under a blanket. There was the usual empty bowl in front of him, but he looked a little worse for wear than normal. More than just a stomachache.

Hell, if Shepard didn’t know better, he’d say it looked like he’d been crying.

“Hey, Shepard.” Gravelly voice. As if he’d just woken up.

“Hey.” Shepard shucked out of his wet jacket and hung it by the front door. Sure enough, the shoulder had a rip in it. “Fuck.”

“What’s up?”

“Ahh nothing, it’s... I wrecked my jacket.”

“Oh, bummer. Sorry.”

Shepard shrugged. “Needed a new one anyway.” He walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. “You want the pepto?”

“Already had some, but thanks,” Kaidan replied. “I’ll take a water though, if the offer’s transferable.”

“Absolutely.” Shepard poured a second glass and went back into the living room to hand it off. He sat down on the other end of the couch and they both sipped at the same time.

If there’d been a regular clock in the apartment, it would’ve been quiet enough to hear it ticking.

“Everything okay?” Shepard asked. He caught sight of a half-empty bottle of whiskey tucked under the coffee table. Kaidan didn’t seem drunk, but then again Shepard had never seen him drunk. Kaidan was a big boy, figuratively and literally, and he could hold his liquor.

Kaidan snuggled further down into the couch. “I‘m not feeling very good,” he said. “Overdid it today.”

That was nothing new. And obviously not the whole story. “That all?”

A big sigh. “Nn, well.” Kaidan shook his head. “James is...being a dick. Again. Zero response to texts, and he was... He was here the other night and he just...took off. Didn’t even wake me up when he left.”

Shepard nodded. He’d called that one. “Yeah, I actually...ran into him on his way out. I was coming home from my shift,” he said. He rubbed at a raw spot on a knuckle. Must’ve scraped it paintballing. “I wondered if that’s what...went down.”

Kaidan’s cheeks were turning bright pink. “Ugh, God, ‘m’sorry Shepard. This whole thing must be totally awkward for you.”

“What, that you have a boyfriend?” Saying it out loud felt like grabbing the handle of a pot on the stove with no oven mitt on. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh ho, no, James is definitely _not_ my boyfriend.” Kaidan laughed, but it was a hurt laugh. “We’ve only really... Y’know, it’s only been a few times and...” He rubbed his face, like he was trying to push the pink out of his soft cheeks. “God, I’m so stupid. Sorry you have to put up with this crap. You must think I’m the biggest idiot.”

Shepard leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “No,” he said. “No, I’m just sorry James pulls this head game bullshit with you.”

Kaidan looked over at him. He took his glasses off and put them on the side table, then knuckled his eyes. “It’s my fault. Expecting him to be something he’s not and that he’s been pretty clear about not wanting to be.” Kaidan sighed again. “Can I tell you something, Shepard?”

They were already in the midst of something, so another something wasn’t going to change much. Maybe Kaidan was a little drunk. “Sure you can.”

“I’m really boring,” Kaidan said. “I know, I know. What a fuckin’ surprise, right?”

“Hey—

“No, it’s true.” He gestured with one hand, like a karate chop. “I’m boring, ‘n I like boring things. I like staying in and watching movies and cooking dinner and just...being on the couch, y’know? All I want is someone else who likes boring stuff too. James is _so_ not that guy. He’s drunk every other night and at the gym the rest of the time, and that’s fine, he’s... He’s younger than us. It’s what you do when you’re a freshman. And I get that he’s got this jock reputation or whatever, and I don’t necessarily fit into that, but,” Kaidan hugged his stomach. “I just...thought he liked me.” He laughed again. “Stupid.”

Shepard didn’t know what to say. None of it was stupid. Kaidan wasn’t stupid, and if he thought something about James it was probably because James was leading him on. Hell, every time Shepard had seen them together, he’d assumed they were way more involved than whatever ‘just a few times’ was.

“Anyway.” Kaidan sat up and wriggled out of his blanket. He was only wearing briefs and a t-shirt. “Sorry to unload all that on you. Think I might need to, um...lie down.” He was unsteady on his feet, and Shepard got up to spot him. He grabbed hold of Shepard’s arm for support and murmured a thanks. Then he paused for a second, squinting up at Shepard. “Have I told you yet that you look really, really cute with long hair?”

Definitely a little drunk, then.

“Okay, let’s get you into bed,” Shepard said, steadying him with a hand on the small of his back.

Kaidan’s room was bigger than Shepard’s. Painted blue. He had Star Wars figurines on his dresser. His bed was huge and he had about eight blankets heaped up all over it, like it was some forest creature’s nest. Like Totoro lived there and not Kaidan.

Shepard helped him climb in and Kaidan nuzzled straight down into a pillow. “I‘m sorry,” he said again. “Thanks for listening to me.”

“It’s okay,” Shepard said. He hesitated for a few seconds. He was thinking about tidying up the apartment, what he could clean that wouldn’t be loud. Anything small he could do that might help Kaidan out.

Kaidan was still looking up at him when he realized he was hovering. “Shepard?”

“Mhm?”

“Wanna keep me company for a bit?” Kaidan was reaching an arm out toward him. He looked tipsy and tired but not so tipsy and tired that he didn’t realize what he was doing.

“In your bed,” Shepard said.

Kaidan nodded.

Shepard smiled. “What, you want to cuddle or something?”

“Pff, Ash and I used to cuddle all the time. C’mon. Just for a few minutes?”

Shepard had been kidding. The fact that Kaidan wasn’t sent a shiver along his shoulders. “My jeans are soaked,” he said. They were wet halfway up his shins from the hems dragging on the ground.

“Take ‘em off, then,” Kaidan said.

Shepard tongued his bottom lip. He wondered if he might’ve fallen asleep on the couch, if he’d drifted off and was drooling on a throw pillow with the real Kaidan looking over at him like he was crazy. Either way, things couldn’t get much weirder. He unbuttoned his jeans and let them drop, stepped out of them and crawled on all fours onto the mattress. “Okay,” he said.

Kaidan tugged him down onto his side and slotted in against his spine, round tummy easily filling the space between them. Bare thighs against the backs of Shepard’s bare thighs. His warm breath tickled Shepard’s nape, and Shepard shivered again. Kaidan’s arm was heavy where it slung around his waist, and his hand was hot and solid against Shepard’s chest. He was still damp and chilled from paintball, his t-shirt moist, sweat drying under his arms and on his neck.

“Sorry I’m all sweaty and gross,” he said. Typical, really, that of all the times Kaidan could’ve decided to invite him in to be spooned he’d be filthy and wet and wearing his grottiest clothes.

“Mm.” Kaidan snuggled closer. “Doesn’t bother me.”

He was warm, really _really_ warm. And just the right kind of soft. The bed smelled like him, like hot cocoa and freshly baked bread. Shepard’s breathing started to speed up.

“So you and Ash used to spoon, huh?” His voice felt caught. Tangled in the full body tremor that was threatening to shudder through him any second like an eight point earthquake.

“Yeah, lots,” Kaidan said. “She liked being the big spoon though.”

Shepard laughed. Of course she did. “Yeah, that sounds about right.” It made sense that Ash would even cuddle aggressively. “What about you, you like being the big spoon too?”

Kaidan’s smile was pressed into Shepard’s shoulder. He could feel it. “Depends more on the person I’m with,” he said.

“So...you think I’m a little spoon?” Shepard craned his neck to try and peer behind him, even if it was futile. “I’m taller than you.”

Another little laugh. “Size...doesn’t have much to do with it,” he said. “Why, you wanna switch?”

Shepard thought about it. The implications of it. “Nah.”

Kaidan cuddled closer. They lay still for a few minutes. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot,” Shepard said.

“So how come you don’t have a really hot...um. Boyfriend? Would it be a boyfriend?”

Another question Shepard had to think about. The two most intense crushes of his life were guys, but beyond that he sometimes wondered if he was some kind of screwed up asexual. At least, he would wonder that if he didn’t jerk off so much. “I dunno,” he said. “Probably boyfriend, yeah. And...I think because I sorta...have feelings for somebody already.”

“Oh yeah?” Kaidan wriggled behind him. “Tell me about your crush, I’m dying to know what you’re into. You’re still kind of a mystery to me, you know?”

He’d brought this upon himself. Somehow he’d wound up in his underwear in Kaidan’s bed, talking about boys. That full body shiver he’d been fending off got the best of him, and he started to shake.

“You cold?” Kaidan sounded worried. He rubbed up and down Shepard’s chest, quickly, like he was trying to rub heat back into numb fingers. “If you got a chill you should get out of that shirt. You can put on one of mine, if you want. I’ve gotten too fat for that Han Solo one you like.”

Shepard squeezed his eyes shut. He was getting hard. “I’m okay,” he said. That was kind of a lie and kind of not. It had been a long, long time since he’d been held by anyone. Since he’d confessed something in the dark at a sleepover. That time, things hadn’t exactly ended like he’d hoped.

At least Garrus hadn’t been mad about it, and things got normal again pretty fast.

“Kaidan, I need to tell you something.” Shepard writhed onto his stomach, turned over so they were face to face.

Kaidan’s brown eyes had gotten wider. His eyebrows did the puppy thing. “What is it?”

“I’ve had...” Shepard had to pause to suck in air. He closed his eyes. “I’ve had the biggest fucking crush on you since I moved in here,” he said. “I like you _so_ much.”

Shepard opened his eyes. The sleepy expression was melting off Kaidan’s face.

“You... You do?”

Shepard nodded. “You’re sexy, and you’re nice, and you’re a good cook, plus you’re really great to talk to and you’re just so goddamn cute with those big brown eyes and that thing your eyebrows do and the way you smile, I just...” Shepard sighed. “I really, really like you.”

He waited to get kicked out of the bed. Asked to leave. Thanked for his interest but this wasn’t what Kaidan had in mind when he asked him in here to snuggle for company.

“You don’t... It doesn’t bother you that I’ve gotten pretty fat? ‘Cause I dunno if you’ve noticed, but I’ve gotten kinda fucking fat the last couple months.”

Shepard shook his head. “To be honest I think it’s... I think you’re really hot. Like this.” That might read as a red flag, but if there was ever a time for honesty, it was now, lying inches from Kaidan’s chest, their bellies touching, Shepard’s erection threatening to brush Kaidan’s thigh if Shepard shifted forward an inch.

“Shepard, you don’t...have to say that. I know how this looks to people.”

“Well, fuck people,” Shepard reached out and put a shaking hand on Kaidan’s belly, the soft spot above his hip. “Who cares what they think. I think it’s hot, and I mean it. The weight stuff, it’s... It doesn’t matter as much as the person and you’re this amazing, sexy person and it’s driving me crazy that you’re dating some idiot who’s making you sad when you don’t—you don’t deserve that. At all.”

Kaidan’s hand slid down to the small of Shepard’s back and pressed him forward. His dick bumped Kaidan’s thigh and they both took quick breaths.

“Well,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah,” Shepard said.

Kaidan’s lips covered his, lightly at first, then harder. His tongue pushed into Shepard’s mouth and Shepard opened to it, curved around it. Kaidan tasted like whiskey and ice cream.

Shepard held on and Kaidan wriggled lower, until his belly was what Shepard’s dick bumped into when he rocked his hips. He whimpered, and Kaidan reached between them. He slid his fingers under the waistband of Shepard’s boxers and stroked over his dick a couple times before he pushed it right up between their stomachs. Caught that way, Shepard barely had to move to find friction. Kaidan’s breathing, the in and out pressure, was almost enough. Kaidan’s hand slid around behind him, over Shepard’s ass and then around the back of his thigh. He squeezed the hard muscle and Shepard hooked his leg over Kaidan’s, eager to get closer.

He was going to be quick work. He’d been hard over Kaidan since day one, for weeks now, actual months. He’d thought about kissing him so many times, catching him off guard in a moment of mutual vulnerability, both of them pulling into one another’s gravity until their lips collided.

It’d happened. It was happening. Exactly like he’d daydreamed it would, which was more than he’d ever dared to hope for. This didn’t happen to him. Other people, maybe. But in Shepard’s world the roommate you pined over inevitably dated someone else. They didn’t like you back. They definitely didn’t invite you into their bed and hold you as though you were their last lifeline to the world. Kaidan kissed like he was hungry, like pressing Shepard’s tongue against his own was going to fill him up in a way nothing he ate ever would.

Shepard kept pushing toward pleasure, moving because if he stopped moving he might wake up. He had to break the kiss to gasp for air, eyelids half shut while he panted. He was so hard that he was sure his hips would keep rolling even if he blacked out.

He was a little worried he was going to black out.

“Mm,” Kaidan made a little noise against Shepard’s throat. “Here,” he said. He nudged Shepard over, onto his back, and nestled in on top of him so their dicks were caught side by side. Kaidan was heavy. Hefty. Shepard bit his lip and curled his toes, strained his whole body up under the weight. One hand worked into Kaidan’s shaggy hair and the other pressed into his soft side, slipping under his t-shirt to palm hot skin.

Kaidan’s nose nudged the hollow at the base of Shepard’s throat, and then his mouth pressed closed on the side of it, over a dark freckle that Shepard had always had, for as long as he could remember.

When Kaidan rocked down, Shepard sighed. Another few slow thrusts and he was curling forward, making little sounds he barely recognized as himself into Kaidan’s ear. Kaidan seemed to like that; it made him grunt, suck harder on Shepard’s neck. He moved his hips faster, his stiff dick rubbing alongside Shepard’s. Shepard’s thighs were drawn tight against Kaidan’s, every muscle in him taut and pulling him closer to the edge. He let his hand drift down over Kaidan’s ass, gripping a rough handful. That made Kaidan bite him, not too hard, but hard enough that Shepard said “ah” and flinched.

“Sorry,” Kaidan mumbled, licking the spot.

“Nn, s’okay.” Shepard whimpered. He liked it. He would’ve liked it a little harder, even. He writhed, balls nudging against Kaidan’s, shafts still pressed hot and close between them. Without the fabric of their underwear Shepard probably would’ve come in ten seconds, and as it was he was close. Every little movement felt like a countdown, and he pushed his face against Kaidan’s, their rough cheeks catching. “Mm, ‘m gonna... Kaidan, I...”

Kaidan gripped a handful of Shepard’s hair. “Do it,” he said, voice gritty and breathless. “C’mon, Shepard. Come.”

Shepard sucked in a last few quick breaths, and he came. He let his head fall back into the pillow, his own heartbeat thudding loud in his ears. His hands drifted down to rub Kaidan’s sides, the outward curves at his hips. Kaidan hadn’t come. He was still wriggling on top of Shepard, one hand still tangled in Shepard’s hair.

“Hey,” Shepard said. He squirmed and slipped his fingers between them, under Kaidan’s belly and into his briefs. The tip of his dick was wet with precum and Shepard palmed him, gripping him the way he gripped himself when he was at the point of desperation.

That earned him a moan, so Shepard stroked him, unsteady for a few seconds, faster after Kaidan moaned again. Fingertips scraped against Shepard’s scalp, and then he felt the throb, the pulse as Kaidan came. That familiar clench and the give that followed, the waves of chemicals surging along with the muscle contractions.

Eventually, they both slowed down to stillness. Shepard slid his hand back out of Kaidan’s briefs but left it on the soft curve of his belly. Kaidan’s breathing steadied, taking a little longer to get there than Shepard. He shifted slightly to the side, still nuzzled into Shepard’s neck.

Neither of them was in any hurry. They were quiet, a tangle of legs and arms and bunched up cotton. Every so often Kaidan would nudge Shepard with his nose, fidget until he was a few millimeters closer.

It was cozy. Shepard felt warm right through, no lingering dampness or chill from his afternoon in the freezing rain.

Finally Kaidan cleared his throat. “So I... I like you a lot, too,” he said. “In case I didn’t just...make that clear. Y’know, It’s funny, all this time I thought I was being...super obvious about it, but... Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Shepard said. “I mean, no, not... Not obvious. I’m pretty terrible at picking up on stuff like that.”

Kaidan rubbed Shepard’s chest over his t-shirt. “That makes two of us.”

“Guess we just overcame our first major obstacle then, huh,” Shepard said.

They laughed. Then Shepard’s stomach growled.

“Oh no, Shepard, you haven’t eaten.” Kaidan lifted his head up, hand on Shepard’s belly.

“It’s fine.” Shepard covered his hand and held on. “Really, I’m not that hungry.”

Another growl from his stomach. His own body was determined to turn him into a liar.

“I’ll make you something,” Kaidan said. He started to get up.

“Hey, you don’t have to.”

“No, I want to.” He got to his feet and tossed a t-shirt at Shepard’s face. When Shepard disentangled himself, he realized it was the Han Shot First shirt, the one he’d been admiring ever since he moved in. “You need to change anyway,” Kaidan said. He sniffed a laugh. “So do I.”

Shepard slung his legs over the edge of the bed. His hair was a mess and his boxers were sticky. “Guess I’ll jump in the shower for a sec,” he said. He’d been sweaty before they got all hot and started grinding, and he was gonna stink up the joint if he didn’t do something about it.

“Sure,” Kaidan said.

It was a quick shower. Shepard felt like if he took too long, reality would shift on him and he’d walk back out into the living room to find James with his arm around Kaidan’s waist. He dried himself off and tugged on another pair of boxers, pulling the Han shirt over his head as he walked into the kitchen. It was loose, but as far as Shepard was concerned it fit perfectly.

Kaidan was in a fresh pair of briefs and a new t-shirt. He was stirring a pot of something on the stove. Shepard sidled up to him, so they were hip to hip.

“Mac and cheese?” Shepard asked.

“I didn’t say I’d make you something fancy,” Kaidan explained, pointing the wooden spoon at him.

Shepard looked over at the empty cardboard box. It was the organic kind, with some special type of noodle. Shepard had grown up on the no name brand, margarine and atomic cheese powder instead of butter and the hunk of real cheddar he knew Kaidan would melt in.

“Hate to break it to you, but this is still fancier than I’m used to,” Shepard said. Why did he keep looking down at the wooden spoon and feeling like something was missing? “Oh.” Wooden spoons. He’d forgotten to give Kaidan the wooden spoons. “Hang on.”

He darted into his bedroom and came back out with them. “Merry early Christmas, I guess,” he said, holding out the bundle.

Kaidan took it, holding them up so he could look at the little curl of ribbon. He put them down on the counter without undoing it.

Shepard rubbed the back of his own neck. “Uh, it’s...no comment on your housekeeping or anything, I just—

There were arms around him and a face pressed into his chest before he could finish. Kaidan looked up at him a second later, his twisty mouth bent into a smile. “Thank you,” he said. “That’s... It’s really thoughtful, Shepard.”

“They’re French or something,” Shepard said. His brain had stopped working almost entirely.

“Oh hey, I know where you got them, then,” Kaidan said. It was better than the ‘you idiot, what does that have to do with anything?’ Shepard was expecting. Kaidan let him go and went back to tending to the macaroni. “I like that place.”

“Yeah?”

Kaidan nodded. “I know it’s lame but I like looking at pots and pans. Makes me think about what I want to cook in ‘em.”

Shepard slung an arm around Kaidan’s waist. He leaned down and kissed him on the shoulder.

They stood there for a couple minutes, waiting for the cheese to melt. It felt right. Shepard had been expecting awkwardness, a bit of adjustment when it sunk in that they’d just fooled around, but there was nothing weird about it. Kaidan was relaxed in his arms. Sobered up and looking content.

“And the weight thing,” Kaidan said. “It’s really not a problem for you? Because people have said that before, and then...turns out it’s a problem.”

Shepard licked his lips. “Nah, it’s... I’m into it,” he said.

There was a pause. Kaidan looked up at him from under lowered brows. “How into it?”

“Well, really I’m into you, and you own this. Seriously, you’re pretty damn hot, so...” He’d never admitted something like that to anyone before. “I like the belly.”

Kaidan let out a slow breath. “Yeah, um. James was...pretty into it too, but...”

Shepard said, “I knew it.”

“Yeah. Anyway, he’s been kinda disrespectful about it and like, okay, yes, I have a problem with food and I tend to overeat and I feel like he sort of took advantage of that.”

Which was unfair, no matter how you looked at it. “That’s not cool,” Shepard said. “Like, unless you’re both okay with it...”

“Honestly, I know it’s mostly on me. I like to eat. Can’t blame the guy for seeing an obvious opportunity.” Kaidan adjusted his t-shirt and Shepard hugged him tighter. “But, what I really need is someone who’s gonna respect my shortcomings. Not someone who’s gonna just...tell me to have another bowl of ice cream.”

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, “You take precedence here. If you’re uncomfortable, I’m uncomfortable. I promise.”

Kaidan drifted back into silence. “Okay,” he said. “I mean...it’s not like I’m ever gonna be skinny, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Shepard nosed the shell of his ear, turned to inhale a breath in his curls. “Wouldn’t matter if you were,” he said. “As long as you were comfortable.” The truth was the best Shepard could do.

“Okay.” Kaidan nodded. “Um... Are we doing this, then?” he asked.

“Making macaroni in our underwear?” Shepard replied. The answer was yes.

Kaidan snorted and gave Shepard a gentle dig in the ribs with his elbow. “I mean this whole ‘you and me’ thing. I want to be clear about it because if we’re not clear, it’ll get messy at the speed of light and I don’t think either of us wants that. So, for the sake of clarity, does this...feel right?”

Somewhere inside Shepard his guts did a backflip. The good kind, the rollercoaster right before the drop kind. The thrill you went after when you rode your bike down the biggest hill in town, or chanced it with a skateboard. He’d done both, when he was younger.

The answer to that was yes, too. A thousand times yes. “Yeah,” he said. Shepard squeezed Kaidan. “Yeah, it does feel right. I know, we’re roommates, the uh, boyfriend thing is probably a pretty bad idea but,” he shrugged. “For you? I’ll take my chances.”

Kaidan craned his neck and smooched Shepard on the stubble next to his chin. “Same here.” He shook his head. “Sorry that the first thing I’m cooking for you as your, um, boyfriend, is macaroni and cheese. Now I’m kinda embarrassed.”

“It’s gonna be the best macaroni and cheese I’ve ever eaten,” Shepard said. And he meant it. Even if that was—

“That’s pretty cheesy, Shepard,” Kaidan said. His mouth was quirked at the corner.

Shepard kissed that spot, the little twist at the corner, until Kaidan turned and kissed him back.


End file.
